Should a Christian date someone who is less spiritually mature? Is dating someone on a different spiritual level a recipe for disaster? If you've been a Christian for a long-time, is it a bad idea to date a new believer?
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- Dating can be complicated for anyone, especially Christians who are younger. However, dating is the precursor to marriage, so it's important to have a healthy dating relationship centered on God.
While dating a non-Christian is a more obvious danger to avoid, dating a new believer will need a lot more discernment. It's rather idealistic to think that every Christian will marry someone on the exact same spiritual maturity level. This isn't going to happen.
So here are 4 pointers when it comes to dating someone less spiritually mature than you.
Spiritual Maturity Is Different Than Your Spiritual Age
I don't think we can make a blanket statement regarding if it is right or wrong to date a new believer. I think it depends on what you mean when you say you are more spiritually mature than the person you are dating. In general, I think there are three ways most people define 'spiritual maturity.'
The first way some people define spiritual maturity is by how long someone has been a Christian. This is a false definition in my opinion. While age and maturity should be related, they are not always connected. Your spiritual birthday is not always the best indicator of your Christian maturity. So the age at which two people became Christians should not be a major factor when gauging their compatibility and what spiritual level they are on.
Dating Someone Who Knows Less Is Not a Fatal Flaw
The second way people often define 'spiritual levels' is by biblical knowledge, doctrinal knowledge, and having a strong intellectual grasp regarding Christianity. This type of spiritual maturity is very important to possess as a Christian. We should all know why we believe what we believe. Christians should know how to pray, how to study the Bible, and we should be well versed in the fundamental doctrines of our faith. While it is ideal for two Christians dating to be close in this area, I do believe it is very possible to have a successful relationship even if they are on difference spiritual levels when it comes to knowledge.
Most questions I get about the above type of spiritual maturity are from concerned Christian women regarding Christian guys they are dating. She is worried that since he is a new believer or less spiritual mature than her that he will not be able to lead her as she would want in the marriage. This thinking is faulty, however, because it implies that God has called a husband to lead his wife because he is smarter or knows more about the Bible.
God did not assign the roles of husbands and wives based upon ability. The husband does not need to know more than the wife to lead her and the children. He just needs to be willing to lead, initiate, protect, and shepherd his family. A good husband will encourage his wife to share what she knows and to continue her growth and not be threatened by this. His leadership is not based in what he knows but in the God ordained leadership role given to him as a husband.
If You Date Someone Less Spiritual Mature, It Can Be a Problem When Sinful Behavior Is Present
The third way 'spiritual maturity' is defined is by measuring the spiritual fruit in someone's life (Galatians 5:22-23). You can be intellectually mature and well versed in what the Bible says, but you can lack the maturity to apply what you know. In some ways, people can have a greater spiritual maturity when they have a greater level of obedience to God than those who know a lot but obey God little.
This is the type of spiritual maturity that I believe should cause the most hesitation in dating. If there is a mismatch between two people's spiritual levels that is resulting in vastly different lifestyles or behaviors, this is a sign dating is probably not best. While it is great when old sinful habits and addictions instantly vanish when someone becomes a Christian, often times this is not the case with a new believer. Sanctification is a process that occurs at difference speeds for Christians. If you are drastically more spiritual mature in this way than the new believer you are dating, it will be difficult to have a successful relationship.
You may be dragged down or the less spiritually mature person may get frustrated that he or she cannot keep up. You don't need someone to know everything you know to date them, but if your lifestyles are drastically different this is a problem and dating should probably not occur. No one is going to be sinless. You don't have to breakup because the person watches movies you wouldn't watch or maybe uses some language you wouldn't use. But there is a line somewhere. I don't know what it is for you. This is why you must pray for spiritual discernment and wisdom if you are planning to date a new believer or a Christian on a different spiritual level than you.
Show Your Spiritual Maturity By Respecting Where They Are at in Their Spiritual Journey
If you do feel led to date a new believer or someone who is less spiritually mature than you, you will need to show your spiritual maturity by respecting where they are currently at in their faith journey.
None of us arrived where we are in in our Christian maturity in a moment. We all have taken a journey to learn what we know. We are all still on a journey. Ideally who you are today will be different than you who are in a few years because we will continue to grow with Christ.
We must respect the process God takes each of us through. This will be difficult if you want the person you are dating to be more spiritually mature than they are, but it is a sign of your maturity to love them for who they are rather than be mad at them for who they are not. If you are so unhappy with them because they are on a different level, then don't date them. There's nothing wrong with not dating someone because you feel they are not spiritually mature enough for you.
However, there is a problem if you start dating someone less spiritually mature than you but then you shame them or get frustrated with them because of this. If they see something differently than you or you think they are wrong about something, don't throw the 'I'm more mature than you' card in their face. This will not work and will actually be a sign of your immaturity.
If you really are more mature, it will show up in your ability to love and respect that person even when you see that they are spiritually immature in certain areas still.
Summary: Dating Someone Less Spiritually Mature Who Is on a Different Spiritual Level
You will need to be humble and patient rather than prideful and pushy. You will want to inspire them more than you instruct them. A dating relationship is not a counseling relationship, a mentoring relationship, or a discipleship relationship. Things will get weird and will not last long if one of you acts like the teacher and the other the student.
A dating relationship should be leading you towards a marriage relationship, and within the marriage the husband and wife are partners in the new life God has given them (1 Peter 3:7 NLT) even if there is some differences in their spiritual maturity.
Mature Christian Singles Dating
You may also like:
- The Singles Network Ministries, Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
- 201511 Jun
EDITOR'S NOTE:He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: As a Christian, is it OK for me to date or marry a new or recent convert? And does it matter that I was one who led this person to Christ?
HE SAID:
If you're looking for a specific unequivocal answer to your questions, I would have to say 'yes' and 'no.'
What I have seen, experienced, and learned over the years is the amount of time a person has been a believer or follower of Christ is not as important as to what a person has done in that time since proclaiming and giving their life to Christ.
A 'young' (or new) believer can be more mature in their relationship with Christ than one who has grown up in a 'Christian' home their entire life.
In the same way a maturity in life important, a maturity in Christ, both personally and relationally, is extremely significant - especially when it comes to being involved in a serious relationship.
Just because two people carry the label 'Christian' doesn't mean they are equally yoked.
I have a (female) friend who led her 'friend' to Christ. He was mentored and discipled by one of the deacons in our church, both served in the youth group, and dated for a number of years before getting engaged. One year after they married, he walked out on her never to be seen again by her or the church.
Another friend met his wife while neither knew the Lord, but after his wife got pregnant, she started going to church, accepted Jesus and later led her husband to do the same. They have a wonderful family with god-fearing children and grandchildren, and he serves as a deacon in his church.
All this to say, only time and life will tell.
It's easy to portray yourself as anything you want for a period of time (i.e. on Facebook, Twitter, and any social media profile). But it's over the long haul and experiences together that you really get to know someone and their heart as to whether they are compatible (and equally yoked) with you and a committed follower of Jesus.
They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him (Titus 1:16). App dating winter park florida.
SHE SAID:
I think it's important that new Christians have a period of time to learn what it is to be a Christian. They have just left a world where their values, direction, choices, and patterns were based on following what they thought was right vs. what God says is right. As a new believer, there will be times of struggle with change. Sure, they are saved, making them 'equally yoked' with another believer. But they could still be unequally yoked in their walk with Christ, their maturity, and direction.
Dating springs saint peter minnesota. Now is the time for someone to come alongside them to help them grow in Christ. Due to being a new Christian, they may still have a large amount of debt, struggle with pornography, anger issues, or any number of things.
Now, you might ask, 'How long do I wait?' You wait 'til God tells you it's OK to date that person. If you are a female, the male should be the spiritual leader. If he is a new Christian, he will not be that person for a while. If it's the opposite, and it's a female, you may not have to wait as long as you are the leader - BUT, in today's world, very few woman are willing to be led. So again, allow some time to pass. Continue to build your friendship. Join a small group. Encourage them in their growth. Pray for them. Wait on God to lead in the next step.
Oh, and does it matter that it was you who led them to Christ? I say, no. I think it's great that you led them to Christ as friends. So if they are important to lead to Christ, then they are important enough to wait on Christ.
Mature Christian Singles Dating
You may also like:
- The Singles Network Ministries, Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
- 201511 Jun
EDITOR'S NOTE:He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: As a Christian, is it OK for me to date or marry a new or recent convert? And does it matter that I was one who led this person to Christ?
HE SAID:
If you're looking for a specific unequivocal answer to your questions, I would have to say 'yes' and 'no.'
What I have seen, experienced, and learned over the years is the amount of time a person has been a believer or follower of Christ is not as important as to what a person has done in that time since proclaiming and giving their life to Christ.
A 'young' (or new) believer can be more mature in their relationship with Christ than one who has grown up in a 'Christian' home their entire life.
In the same way a maturity in life important, a maturity in Christ, both personally and relationally, is extremely significant - especially when it comes to being involved in a serious relationship.
Just because two people carry the label 'Christian' doesn't mean they are equally yoked.
I have a (female) friend who led her 'friend' to Christ. He was mentored and discipled by one of the deacons in our church, both served in the youth group, and dated for a number of years before getting engaged. One year after they married, he walked out on her never to be seen again by her or the church.
Another friend met his wife while neither knew the Lord, but after his wife got pregnant, she started going to church, accepted Jesus and later led her husband to do the same. They have a wonderful family with god-fearing children and grandchildren, and he serves as a deacon in his church.
All this to say, only time and life will tell.
It's easy to portray yourself as anything you want for a period of time (i.e. on Facebook, Twitter, and any social media profile). But it's over the long haul and experiences together that you really get to know someone and their heart as to whether they are compatible (and equally yoked) with you and a committed follower of Jesus.
They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him (Titus 1:16). App dating winter park florida.
SHE SAID:
I think it's important that new Christians have a period of time to learn what it is to be a Christian. They have just left a world where their values, direction, choices, and patterns were based on following what they thought was right vs. what God says is right. As a new believer, there will be times of struggle with change. Sure, they are saved, making them 'equally yoked' with another believer. But they could still be unequally yoked in their walk with Christ, their maturity, and direction.
Dating springs saint peter minnesota. Now is the time for someone to come alongside them to help them grow in Christ. Due to being a new Christian, they may still have a large amount of debt, struggle with pornography, anger issues, or any number of things.
Now, you might ask, 'How long do I wait?' You wait 'til God tells you it's OK to date that person. If you are a female, the male should be the spiritual leader. If he is a new Christian, he will not be that person for a while. If it's the opposite, and it's a female, you may not have to wait as long as you are the leader - BUT, in today's world, very few woman are willing to be led. So again, allow some time to pass. Continue to build your friendship. Join a small group. Encourage them in their growth. Pray for them. Wait on God to lead in the next step.
Oh, and does it matter that it was you who led them to Christ? I say, no. I think it's great that you led them to Christ as friends. So if they are important to lead to Christ, then they are important enough to wait on Christ.
LORD, I wait for you; you will answer, Lord my God (Psalm 38:5).
HE is …Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.
SHE is ..Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of three books.
Mature Christian Dating Tips
DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.
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GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.
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Publication date: June 11, 2015